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A WEEK FOR SOCIETAL SELF-REFLECTION March 17, 2008 I started the week intending to center this column around an Associated Press article I’d seen. The article quoted a survey conducted in August 2007 by the IRS Oversight Board. The survey found – shocker! – that ninety-five percent of respondents told THE IRS that, absolutely (well, actually it was “completely” or “mostly”), everybody has a civic duty to pay their taxes. What was more interesting to me was that only eighty-four percent said it was “not at all” acceptable to cheat, which was DOWN from eighty-six percent in 2006. Eight percent said it was okay to cheat “a little” and a full five percent told THE IRS, “Hell, yeah, cheat as much as possible.” So that’s what I was gonna write about. But THEN the Clinton campaign fired – or allowed to “resign” – former VP candidate and “advisor” Geraldine Ferraro after she said Barack Obama only got where he is because he’s black. So, I thought I’d write about race and affirmative action and politics. I’d throw in some stuff about this whole notion of “resigning” without really going anywhere and how a candidate can walk the line between disavowing a statement and disavowing the speaker and how fascinating it is that in this year’s presidential race great concern has arisen over the distinction between “denouncing” a position or a person or a statement and “repudiating” it. Hilary denounced the statement, but didn’t repudiate it, if you’re keeping score. But THEN before I could get that piece written, the Obama campaign got in trouble when one of its “spiritual advisors,” the Reverend Jeremiah Wright, made some outlandish remarks, including, “Not God Bless America. God damn America.” Now, Obama repudiated, but didn’t denounce, and the reverend also has “resigned.” So, I could have done a piece about religion and politics. But THEN, it seems, something else happened this week. I just can’t remember what it was. It was some sort of political story. Something about a senator or a city councilman, or dog catcher. No! It was a governor. That’s right. He did something bad. Really bad. Like, make your wife stand with you in front of cameras bad. Oh, yeah, and there were hookers involved. That’s right. Now I remember. New York governor Eliot Spitzer got caught paying for $5,500.00 per hour hookers. And now he, too, has “resigned,” effective on Monday. Eliot Spitzer, despite a comical name, was a rising star in the Democratic party. He should have saved the sex scandal for when he was president, or at least until he became a candidate. If only Gary Hart or Bill Clinton had been consulted. Fortunately, the media treated the story with all the decorum we’ve come to expect, which is actually very little. They even filled dead air time with no new news with footage of the governor’s car driving – slowly, this being New York – through the streets to the announcement of his resignation. The public, thankfully, is a little more circumspect. Well, okay, except for folks like the Macon Music baseball team, which intends to host an “Eliot Spitzer Night” featuring, among other things, a dollar off admission if your name is Eliot, Spitzer, or Kristen (the nom de plume of the hooker), or if you’ve ever resigned from a position. Check it out at http://www.macon.com/maconmusic/story/292746.html Man, what do I write about here? The ability of absolute power to corrupt absolutely? The evils of prostitution? The tragic ability of illicit sex to bring down even our mightiest politicians and captains of industry? Taking bets on how quickly “Kristen” gets a book deal? Taking bets on how quickly Spitzer gets a book deal? Will Oprah or Larry King have them on ? Together? I’m not a political pundit, but I enjoy a good car wreck as much as anybody. What’s happened this week in the world of politics maybe wasn’t a wreck, per se; more like a bumper car match, though, I guess on that analogy, Spitzer’s car burst through the railing, careened around the cotton candy machine, swerved past the bearded lady and sank in the Tunnel of Love. I’m tempted to write here that that last bit is a metaphor for modern society, but that’s too broad. It just seems that way sometimes. Email us at carnivalofglee@mchsi.com or check out our blog at www.carnivalglee.blogspot.com for more musings on life, politics and culture, as well as the Carnival’s useless podcasts.
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WHO CARES ABOUT IOWA? MAYBE WE ALL SHOULD January 3, 2008 I am from Iowa. I say that without reservation. I know a large chunk of the other forty-nine states don’t really know the difference between Iowa, Idaho, and Ohio, and many more could care less. I know that nobody knows anything about Iowa other than we have corn and pigs. Never mind that I’ve never lived on a farm and, as far as I know, pork chops grow in the ground, wrapped in plastic and show up in the grocery store. My wife, who did grow up on a farm, tries to tell me this isn’t true, but I choose not to believe. And I know that most of the world thinks the closest lily-white Iowa has ever gotten to a black man is casting James Earl Jones in “Field of Dreams.” So it was fascinating tonight that Barack Obama handily won the Iowa caucus. The television pundits were stunned – complete with dropped jaws – that “the whitest state in the country” as CNN’s Jack Cafferty put it – could bring itself to vote for someone who didn’t look exactly like Iowans supposedly do. To my knowledge, Barack Obama doesn’t even own bib overalls and a straw hat. For months, I’ve listened to people gripe about how Iowa doesn’t “deserve” it’s first in the nation status because it’s small and rural and supposedly not representative of the rest of the country. I have two thoughts about this: One, the top three candidates in Iowa on the Democratic side going in to the caucus were the same top three candidates in the rest of the country – Obama, Edwards, and Clinton. Obama won and the other two are, as I write this, slugging it out for second place (with Edwards having a narrow edge at the moment) So as far as our voting, it appears we’re exactly like the rest of you. Two: who cares if Iowa went first? Vote however you want. If the results in Iowa sway voters in other states to vote a certain way, that’s your problem, not ours. We may have pigs in Iowa, but sounds like you guys are overrun by sheep. On the Republican side, rich-guy Mitt Romney hugely outspent Mike Huckabee – who was all but dead in the water a few weeks ago – but got his gold-plated tuckus handed to him by the Arkansas governor. If Iowa doesn’t represent your values, does that mean you favor buying votes? The New Hampshire primary will be here in five days. After that, nobody will remember what happened today in Iowa, at least not the numbers. But maybe the impressions, the feelings, the attitude, that came out of this tiny, insignificant little state will resonate. And not just by making Kevin Costner more money from “Field of Dreams” rentals. Maybe some of you critics will start worrying more about the things that make us all members of one country, not just a collection of worthy and less-worthy states. One of those things is exercising our civic duty with care and conviction to vote for candidates who will represent not just ourselves, but everyone in the country. And Iowa just did. Email us at carnivalofglee@mchsi.com
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IF YOU’RE NOT PART OF THE SOLUTION… June 25, 2008 America’s in a huge mess. Several of them, actually. And no one has good answers. Certainly not me. Actually, check that. There are some good answers, just no easy ones. Still, it’s fairly easy to spot the bad answers. It’s also easy to spot the ones who have no interest in offering answers at all. They usually protest the most. So recently, a bill was before the Senate that would impose a twenty-five percent tax on any “unreasonable” profits made by the big five US oil companies (they took in $36 billion during the first three months this year alone) The bill would have also opened up more scrutiny over oil market speculation, antitrust actions against OPEC countries and making price gouging for energy a federal crime. The bill failed. It needed sixty votes and only got fifty-one. All the Democrats, except Mary Landrieu of Louisiana, voted for it. The Republicans managed to deny it the super majority it needed. They did it with comments like this from New Mexico’s Senator Pete Domenici: “The American people are clamoring for relief at the pump, [but] they will get exactly what they don’t want.” What he meant was, passing this bill would increase oil imports and jack prices. Never mind that the bill also allowed oil companies to avoid the tax bite by using their “windfall” to promote alternative energy programs or expanding refineries. (It’s been some thirty years since the US refurbished a refinery.) So, one would assume since the Republicans in Congress ostensibly want to serve the public good, that if they reject this proposal, they must have an alternative. If doing something to get oil prices under control isn’t viable, then the alternative would seem to be, well, alternative fuel. Thing is, a little while after shooting down the oil tax, Republicans in the Senate scuttled another proposal extending tax breaks for conservation and energy efficiency efforts and developers of wind, solar and other alternative fuels. Republicans like to insist that we can lower gas prices if we just do more drilling. Never mind that even a lovely ring of oil rigs lining the US coastline – gorgeous as they may be - would take years to come online and do nothing about oil prices today. Never mind that countless species of animals and plants would be disrupted, possibly decimated – like the polar bears and walruses that are at risk from the Fish and Wildlife Service’s recent regulations that insulate oil companies that “incidentally harmed” by their search for oil in the Chukchi Sea off northwestern Alaska. Never mind that drilling more of what even an eighth grade science student knows is a finite resource is not a solution. It’s a pipeline – if you will – to even HIGHER prices when the oil supplies become even more scarce. Unless, that is, we get serious about alternate energy. In the meantime, let’s see more public transportation, more tele-commuting. I live in the Midwest. As a practical matter, public transportation is meager and impractical for a lot of people. And there aren’t even many car pool lanes, never mind stations to refuel your hydrogen-cell car. We’ve got lots of farmers, though, and they could always use more financial assistance. Let’s pay a few to put up some windmills on their land. There are lots of good ideas out there. The old “Oil Companies Rule” isn’t one of them. Email us at carnivalofglee@mchsi.com or check out our blog and podcasts at www.carnivalglee.blogspot.com
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THE GHOST OF CHRISTMAS PAST IS BORED December 3, 2007 Quick quiz: Name a true holiday film or TV special – not a Santa spoof comedy vehicle for whatever comedian is fashionable that month, something really about Christmas - made in the past fifteen years that you’ll care about or even remember in another fifteen years. Give up? Me too. Chances are, your favorite holiday movies were made decades ago. The only one of mine that hails from the modern era is the early-nineties film “Mixed Nuts,” a comedy where Martin plays the operator of a suicide hotline in Los Angeles and is surrounded by zany people. Much of the movie feels like a madcap stage play, but in the end there’s a surprisingly warm holiday message. No one will ever confuse this movie with “It’s A Wonderful Life,” unless there was a scene in that film where Jimmy Stewart dances with a transvestite that I’ve forgotten about. But both Jimmy and Steve learn to appreciate the people around them just in the St. Nick of Time. They don’t make Christmas movies like that anymore. Now we get “Deck the Halls,” “Jingle All the Way,” “Bad Santa,” “Fred Claus,” and – in a feat of bad movie-making AND insult to a best-selling and fairly entertaining book called “Skipping Christmas” – “Christmas With the Kranks.” Each one is louder and cruder than the last, with a trite holiday message tacked on at the end. Holiday specials and films of the past – “Miracle on 34th Street,” “Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer,” “A Charlie Brown Christmas” – shared a reverence for the spirit of the season and reveled in little detail: the unique crystal structure of the falling snow; original music; gentle, but not corny, humor. Holiday programs and films today espouse the message that giving is better than receiving, family is everything, etc., but it feels hurried and mechanical. It’s like modern-day producers know we’ve heard it all before, so they cut to the chase. And, in fact, maybe we have. We live in a post-9/11 world, shuffling along in the rickety hand-cart our current crop of political leaders has left us with, somehow feeling both cynical and scared simultaneously. Sensibilities were different in your grandparent’s era. George Bailey’s culture may change over time, but does the Christmas holiday really change? Maybe we’re too jaded to create a believable George Bailey anymore, but weary enough to crave one. “A Christmas Story” (Ralphie and the Red-Rider BB gun, remember?) and “Christmas Vacation” with Chevy Chase, took a good shot, and I love them both, but they were made in the eighties. What have the nineties and the new millennium done for my yuletide spirit? Even when popular culture does get it right, commercialism seems to ruin it. (I can hear Charlie Brown now: “My own dog, gone commercial! I can’t stand it.”) The first “Santa Clause” movie with Tim Allen was actually pretty good; imaginative, funny, solid pro-holiday message with just enough of an edge to suit a modern audience without alienating traditionalists. I happily watch it on DVD every year. But Disney couldn’t just leave it at that. “Santa Clause 2” was okay, but was mostly a retread of the first one and largely unnecessary. I haven’t seen “Santa Clause 3,” but by all reports, it’s even worse. Why did they colorize the black and white “Miracle on 34th Street”? (Or any black and white film for that matter.) More egregiously, why did they remake it? They really did, in 1994. If you don’t remember the remake, that should indicate how good the film was. “Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer” was a classic I enjoy yearly. “Rudolph’s Shiny New Year” and the 2001 “Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer and the Island of Misfit Toys” were all but unwatchable. “Frosty the Snowman,” awesome. “Frosty Returns,” that half-hour lecture on the evils of global warming wrapped in Christmas packaging, was abominable. To quote Linus Van Pelt, “Christmas is not only getting too commercial, it’s getting too dangerous.” And it’s not just film and television. According to ASCAP, a performance rights organization for holders of copyrighted music which also co-owns Mediaguide, a group that monitors radio stations, “Winter Wonderland” has been the most-played Christmas song for the past five years. It was written SEVENTY-THREE-YEARS-AGO. According to the ASCAP survey, only one song written after 1950 (“Jingle Bell Rock,” 1957) cracked the top ten. In the top twenty, only three were written after 1960. No song in the top twenty is fresher than 1970 (“Feliz Navidad”) I would concur. I can’t think of a single “contemporary” holiday tune that would stand up to “Santa Claus is Coming to Town” or “White Christmas” for sure ability to convey the Christmas mood. There are good ones, of course, but no icons. Well, maybe “Grandma Got Run Over by a Reindeer” is iconic, but that’s not quite the same as “I’ll Be Home for Christmas” is it? I know this sounds like an old guy griping about “the good old days” when I was a youngster. Here’s the thing: I’m 36. I’m still (arguably) a young guy. A lot of the best holiday stuff was created before I was even born – and much of that within a span of only about twenty or thirty years. Generation X may have a reputation for apathy, cynicism, and disaffectedness, but we’re also the most technologically savvy and entrepreneurial generation in all of American history. Plus we REALLY love movies and TV. (How else to explain the film “Mannequin” 1 AND 2, as well as ELEVEN “Friday the 13th” movies?) Surely we, of all people, can find a way to reach inside ourselves and produce a really good holiday film – assuming we can put down our electronic gadgets. That’s your assignment, America. Now, if you’ll excuse me, while, I’m waiting, I’m going to go watch my latest arrival from Netflix, the DVD of “The Bishop’s Wife,” made in 1947. Happy holidays. Email us at carnivalofglee@mchsi.com
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THE NATURE OF US September 10, 2007 There’s a prayer with a line in it asking for strength to deal with that which one cannot change. To judge from recent events, it would seem some believe the concept of “change” is, for some, as nebulous as the concept of “is” was for President Clinton. Why did Alberto Gonzales protest for months that he was competent, had committed no unethical activities, and would be crazy to resign as Attorney General, only to then, abruptly, resign? Why did Senator Larry Craig plead guilty to a crime, then claim not to realize that he did that AND that he was innocent, and then quit the Senate, only to decide to rescind his resignation? Why did Britney Spears think we’d embrace her sloppy, fatigued, out-of-shape performance at the MTV Video Music Awards after years of tabloid escapades and questionable parenting decisions? And what about Michael Vick, now an ex-football star after being charged with participating in dog-fighting and bringing about the death of dozen of dogs? He deserves some measure of props for not insulting us by dragging this matter through the muck of a trial by standing up and pleading guilty. But what made him think that a wealthy, high profile, professional athlete engaging in an illegal underground activity wouldn’t eventually draw attention? I have a two-year-old daughter. Sometimes - okay, frequently - she refuses to do something she’s asked to do; use the potty, put on her shoes, untie the kitty, whatever. She’ll politely refuse at first [ME: “Sophie, eat your potatoes.” SOPHIE (diplomatically): “No, I eat the corn.”] If polite refusal doesn’t work, she’ll escalate her tone. From there she moves on the belligerent refusal – NO! – then it’s an all out tantrum and possibly some time spent on the “thinking spot.” Finally, once Mom and Dad have given up on the desired outcome, she’ll calmly go over and do it, wearing a look that conveys it was her idea all along, never mind the wasted time and energy – and Tylenol for Mom and Dad. It’s all about preserving the win. Even if Sophie has to do something unpleasant, she’s going to do it on her own terms. Here, I think, is the deal: Laugh at the irrational behavior of a toddler if you want. But here’s the thing: those toddlers you seen running amuck on the playground, they’re us. CBS is getting ready to air an extremely controversial reality show called “Kid Nation” about a town populated entirely, and solely, by kids. Presumably, the kids will have various tasks related to shelter-building and food-gathering, with the goal of distinguishing themselves so they don’t get voted out, while also preserving the existence of the community. With seemingly no adults in the picture, it’s clear why this is controversial. On the other hand, with many of the adult role models in the news today, could the kids really do any worse? The way many celebrities and politicians act today is akin to a toddler putting his hands over his eyes and declaring “You can’t see me.” They live entirely in the moment as if nothing they said or did in the previous moment. Reality is what you make it. And, for some, reality is what you insist. At least until the next convenient reality comes along. Email us at carnivalofglee@mchsi.com
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GOODNIGHT, 2007 (With apologies to Margaret Wise Brown) December 11, 2007 In the great green US (Not yet, but someday) There was an iPhone And electric hybrids And a picture of – OJ in custody (again) And there were three alleged Perps Vick, Craig and Bonds And two more walked away – Alberto and Scooter And a pair of Tell-Alls By Plame and McClellan And an emptying Whitehouse And stem cells that aren’t And Gore gets an Emmy, an Oscar, and Nobel in a rush And Hollywood Writers who wrote only “Hush” Goodnight Evel Knievel Goodnight Anna Nicole Smith Goodnight Presidential Candidates (Please Stop Calling) Goodnight Iraq, always Iraq And children’s health care failures Goodnight “Studio 60” Goodnight “Sopranos” Goodnight Sad Ellen Degeneres And goodnight exploding cell phones Goodnight Broadway Stagehands And then welcome back! Goodnight Ken Burns’ “The War” And goodnight Balloonist Steve Fossett Goodnight Terror, but for how long? And goodnight foreclosure woes Goodnight nobody Goodnight Lisa from the “Funky Winkerbean” strip And goodnight to the modern need to rush Goodnight stars Goodnight air Goodnight noises everywhere HAPPY HOLIDAYS AND HAPPY 2008 FROM THE CARNIVAL OF GLEE! Email us at carnivalofglee@mchsi.com
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STANDING OUT BY BLENDING IN July 7, 2007 For the last two years in June, I’ve attended a weekend writers’ workshop at my alma mater. While there, the mall is a convenient stopping point for water or a snack. Things are quiet there now. Really quiet. Granted, this is summer when a lot of students are away, but it still seems a ghostly defunct leviathan of consumerism. When I was a college student, many years ago, the mall situated right in the middle of campus was the main shopping hub in town. Stores, restaurants, movies, everything a consumer wanted. Over time, however, a bigger, brighter mall opened and my mall slowly died. A mostly vacant shell for a long while, it has now surrendered to conversion into office space with a few little shops and a couple fast-food places. They say old soldiers never die, they just fade away. So, it seems, do the places of own histories. Still, the last two years, I’ve been struck by the sight of a bored-looking security guard walking the echoing promenade, reading a book, or hitting the can. I can’t help but wonder if a bathroom break is the highlight of his shift. He’s a lost-looking figure, bearded, chubby, bespectacled. Sort of a “lonely Maytag repairman” with a badge and a radio. I wonder about him. He’s a little older than the “traditional” student,” perhaps in his thirties, but he certainly could be one. Is he a PhD candidate working as a rent-a-cop for rent money? An ex-cop? A guy who always dreamed of being a cop, but couldn’t pass the physical? Maybe he was a cop, but too much of a Barney Fife who was only allowed to carry one bullet for his gun in his shirt pocket? On the other hand, for all I know, he was a highly decorated James Bond type who could take me out with a jelly bean. Is he content? Frustrated? Happy? Sad? Have his life’s goals been fulfilled or is this just an intermission between one act and the next? Why do I even care? I’ve never seen this guy before. Or have I? Was he part of the busy, active, alive shopping center I remember from college, hidden from me by his relative blandness? If so, how has he survived the changing landscape when B.Dalton Books didn’t? I’ve never talked to him. He could be articulate or dull. Extroverted or introverted. Rational and sober or loony. To look at him, there’s nothing remarkable. Maybe it’s just because these writing workshops make me feel all literary and artsy and like I want to observe everyone and everything. But whatever it is, he lingers in my mind even now, two weeks later. How often do we take for granted that the places we’ve been will always be there to return to? How many people have we crossed paths with, but overlooked? Chances are good I’ll be back at the workshop next summer. Maybe I’ll buy that lonely guard a cookie from the cookie place before it, like the bookstore, department store, and that place I bought the cool necktie, fades into history; assuming he too hasn’t slipped away. Email us at carnivalofglee@mchsi.com
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SECRECY July 31, 2007 Within hours of the announcement that Supreme Court Chief Justice John Roberts collapsed with a seizure and was hospitalized, the Court had issued a positive statement that he was “fully recovered;” so positive, in fact, that the cable news pundits were suspicious Maybe they were making him sound TOO healthy. If you are surprised to know that the government and its purveyors are obsessed with secrecy, you are apparently a character in one of the old grade school civics education filmstrips. Real people know better. Pretty much everyone now, Republicans and Democrats alike, think Alberto Gonzales is lying about the extent of politically-motivated firings of US attorneys. Yet, George Bush stands proudly beside him; metaphorically anyway. We don’t know if they actually stand shoulder-to-shoulder and we’re pretty sure that’s not a photo op you’re likely to see until the 2008 election is over. And then, of course, it will be moot as the Bush Administration will be fading into secrecy. The Bush Administration, by the way, wrote the book on secrecy in government; then they burned it, ate the ashes, passed them, and buried them in an unmarked grave somewhere near Bakersfield. Or perhaps Cheboygan. Even the most ardent civil libertarian can reasonably assert that the government can and should tell us EVERYTHING it’s doing. Partly this is because much of it is so boring and mundane, we don’t need to know. But also, we have to acknowledge in the terrorism world, there are legitimate security reasons for state secrets. However, state secrets are WAY different that individual politicians covering their asses. What possible state priority could legitimize the president’s assertion of executive privilege to prevent current and past White House staffers from testifying about why a bunch of lawyers got canned? It seems impossible that there is any reason for the White House to fear this information coming out other than a fear of political embarrassment; hardly a test case for presidential authority. Speaking of hubris, that is excessive assertion of presidential authority, what are they mixing in Dick Cheney’s cholesterol drugs? The guy clings to spurious justifications for the war in Iraq, loves closed-door meetings with anonymous oil company executives, openly avoids the press, keeps a large safe in his office the contents of which are unknown, claimed not to be a member of the executive branch (and therefore not subject to its rules) because he also presides over the Senate; and tried to abolish an agency that regulates government secrecy so that his secrets wouldn’t be revealed. Wow. Give that man a standing ovation. Running roughshod over the Constitution does not get any more exquisite. Of course, for every Great Secret that would keep us up at night if we knew what it was, there’s the more mundane variety of government secret that puts us to sleep – by the relentless bludgeoning of our skulls with it in the popular media: Senator Ted Stevens is investigated for questions about how he paid for an addition on his house; CongressmanWilliam Jefferson is investigated for bribery and has money hidden in his freezer; President Bush is caught jabbering on an open mike he doesn’t know is on; Hillary Clinton and John Edwards are caught on an open mike discussing how the presidential debates should be limited to "serious” candidates; Louisiana Senator David Vitter is fingered by the “DC Madam.” Countless other politicians are routinely busted for being: (1) unethical; (2) unfaithful; (3) in the closet; (4) rich; (5) some combination of the above. Incidentally, the same list can be applied to trackers of Hollywood celebrities, if you also add substance abusers. It staggers the imagination the lengths some of our most talented, powerful, and trusted citizens will go to to keep the rest of us from finding out what they’re doing. I’ve got no profound solution here or even any wisdom to impart. I just wonder how you undo the human compulsion to ignore the public good in favor of covering its own ass? Seriously. How? Email us at carnivalofglee@mchsi.com
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QUITTERS June 7, 2007 When I was a kid, there was a magazine called “Bananas” that was sort of like “Mad” magazine for pre-adolescents. One of the cartoons it ran was a parody of physical education class with kids getting pounded by dodgeballs and the punchline was that this was a school where “winners never quit and quitters stay after school.” As a side note, I also remember a fake ad with the caption “MAKE BETTER NEIGHBORS” and copy explaining how some people think fences make better neighbors but really what you need is a big gun pointed at your neighbor’s window. At the time, I thought it was pretty hilarious. In light of recent foreign policy turmoils, however, maybe not so much. An awful lot of us have a dodgeball-victim mentality these days. It seems we’re surrounded by quitters. Granted the dodgeballs are flying fast and furious, but does an American really just give up and walk away? Judging by some attitudes, we should. Consider: WAR BETWEEN THE STATES?: I read an article recently that said thirteen percent of Vermont citizens polled favor having the state secede from the union because they’re fed up with the US “empire”. Granted, thirteen percent of tiny little Vermont is, like, four people, but still it’s stunning to think that in the modern era, there’s a state with citizens who want to turn their backs on the rest of us. How would they survive? Exporting maple syrup? Seriously, rather than pushing their Congressional representatives to air their grievances or writing editorials, or going to the polls to vote, these Americans would rather just say, “No thanks. See ya.” Not that anyone should lose any sleep that we might suddenly be stuck with an untidy odd number of states. Even Quebec which really is culturally distinct from much of Canada given the strong French influence, couldn’t successfully pull off secession. We have doubts Vermont will be able to pull it off either. IMMIGRATION: Ironically, although Vermont citizens are trying to leave, citizens of other countries are trying to get here or have already, many of them illegally. They leave behind families, risk life and limb, and scratch out livings doing crap jobs that are too dangerous or too low-paying for Americans to willingly consider. Many are enticed by employers, or at least tacitly encouraged, with the promise of jobs. So instead of going after the exploitative employers or figuring out creative ways to help other countries make their citizens’ homeland more desirable, a large part of America just wants to chuck all these people out. There are two problems with this: one, solving the immigration problem with mass deportations is a little like bailing out a row boat in a rainstorm with a sieve. It does nothing to discourage illegals from continuing to come. Second, chucking people out once they’re here flies in the face of what this country was founded on. We’re a country of immigrants. We need orderly, safe, legal immigration to ensure secure borders, sure. We need anyone who comes here to contribute productively (FYI – even illegal immigrants pay taxes with taxpayer identification numbers and, of course, sales tax, and work harder than a lot of us) But let’s help them do this, not throw them out. EDUCATION: Most opinion polls will suggest that Americans value the educational system highly; as well they should. People are constantly saying we need to put more money in public schools. Fund raisers are always happening. Letters to the editor praising the high school English teacher/drivers ed instructor/wrestling coach abound. So why do so many people think the key to getting their little ones educated is to pull them out of public school with a voucher to go to some private school? Every time you pull a kid from school, you take away a percentage of the school’s funding, just exacerbating existing problems. Plus, is your kid better off surrounded by a bunch of other (probably wealthy) kids who look just like and talk just like and think just like him or is he better off actually experiencing a cross-section of real society? If you think he’s better off with “his own kind,” consider why Paris Hilton is a punchline and why her show “The Simple Life,” wherein she hangs out with real people and humiliates herself, is so popular. IRAQ: This was a war we were tricked into, or at best stumbled into by horrible mistake; maybe one that should have happened eventually, but not when it did. It’s been appallingly mismanaged, and yet, we can’t just get up and walk away, much as we’d like to. Remember when Colin Powell invoked the “Pottery Barn Rule”. Well, we broke Iraq, now we own it until its government gets its act together. Let’s focus on making that happen, with serious timelines to get troops trained, law enforcement in place, oil revenues disbursed, and utilities consistent, then we’ll bring the troops home. The sooner the better, but not today. If you burn the cake, it’s appropriate to throw it out and start over. But government policy, foreign policy, education and human lives aren’t pastry. They’re us, our world. So just cover that thing with lots of frosting and dig in. You’ll be happier and fattened on the knowledge that you made a difference. Email us at carnivalofglee@mchsi.com
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MODERN CELEBRITY March 4, 2007 I blame Tim Burton. Until he made a 1980s film version of “Batman” with Michael Keaton in the title role and Jack Nicholson as the Joker, the popular image of the caped crusader was that he was a cheesy icon in tights from the ‘60’s. Burton’s Batman, however, was a tortured, dark soul. And the public loved it. Since then, we as a society have been treated to a parade of angst-ridden heroes – Spiderman, the Punisher, and, most recently, even Superman. By box office receipts and comic book sales, we’ve told our writers “Give us more scarred psyches.” It didn’t take long for the public’s thirst for flawed characters to spill over into the real world. And what in the real world is more cartoony than celebrity? Hence, the rise of tabloid Internet sites and celebrity watching by Wolf Blitzer on CNN, of all places. It used to be that celebrity and fame were things a person worked for and earned. And when they got there, people left them alone. Nobody knew Rock Hudson was gay. George Reeves was depressed and alcoholic, but that didn’t get to the kids who adored TV’s Superman. Even when reporters realized Lou Gehrig was ill, they didn’t write about it. Today, there’s practically an entire industry devoted to the personal trials of athletes. Journalists have actually been jailed for failing to reveal sources about steroid users in professional sports. Nowadays, it seems, the very things that in the past would have been embarrassing or career killing are what make some people famous to begin with. Exhibit #1: Anna Nicole Smith. Does modern celebrity get much sadder? Here you have a woman whose only real asset – apparently – was a set of giant boobs and yet the media is beside itself to report her story now that she’s gone. The story rings all the bells of modern celebrity: a sexy woman, money, drugs, legal squabbles and even an orphaned child. Speaking of celebrities famous for not much of anything, there’s Exhibit #2: Paris Hilton. With the exception of starring in an illicit sex tape and a soft-core porn fast food commercial, and singing on what was most charitably described as a mediocre album, what has Paris done that is even remotely beneficial to society? I mean, other than give paparazzi steady employment. Throw Exhibit #3, poor, sad little Brittany Spears, into the mix – with her shaved head, lack of skivvies, and questionable parenting skills – and you’ve got the triumvirate of high society depravity. And our young people can’t enough. My sincere hope is that these ladies, and other celebrities like them, are a hell of a lot smarter than they appear. One would almost think they’d have to be to be able to set themselves up with the riches they amassed. Yet, I’m skeptical they could do this all on their own. They just don’t seem that bright. Recently, I heard a radio interview with Erica Chevalier, a lesser celebrity, but one willing to be naked a lot so she’s got a shot to move up. She was recently a Playboy playmate after leaving behind a career as a high school history teacher. In the interview, she was inarticulate, spacey, and couldn’t think of a single US history question to ask the DJ’s when they asked for a short pop quiz. Her excuse? She quit teaching a year ago. And let’s not forget the Lindsay Lohans, Kato Kaelins, and William Hungs of the world; as well as anyone who has ever been a regular on the Howard Stern show. The “E” channel has a whole show devoted to Playboy playmates called “Girls Next Door.” Ever wonder what playmates do after they’ve exposed themselves in a magazine? Well, we didn’t either, but we got an answer anyway: they just hang around at Hef’s place. On a portion of one episode I caught one day last year, a playmate from 1996 was STILL hanging out in the mansion. Apparently, they are unable to function in the outside world, and yet these playmates have achieved a level of fame none of us – clothed or not – will ever have. And that’s just fine with me. A survey recently revealed that the current generation, Generation Y, and to a lesser extent Generation X (that’s me), consist of the most self-absorbed Americans ever. So does that mean, we revere celebrities like these because we want to be like them or because we ARE them, but with worse press agents? Neither answer is very comforting. Email us at carnivalofglee@mchsi.com
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AN OPEN LETTER TO GLIESE 581
April 30, 2007 In the old comic strip “B.C.” about a group of cave-men, periodically, B.C. would scrawl some profound question about life on a stone tablet and set it adrift across the sea (never mind the physics), then eagerly anticipate it’s return at sunrise on the early morning tide, only to find some pithy retort from his mysterious pen pal. Consider this essay the Carnival’s stone tablet. Astronomers recently discovered an Earth-like planet some one-hundred-twenty trillion miles from here. It orbits a red dwarf star every thirteen days, has a lot more gravity, and probably Earth-like temperatures. Scientists have a number of questions to be answered, obviously. We here at the Carnival have a few of our own as we ponder just how “Earth-like” Gliese 581 really is. To wit: On Gliese, does a guy in a uniform still hold the door for you at apartment buildings and hotels? Can the person at the front desk stay off the phone long enough to give you decent directions to a restaurant? Do you have to worry about whether the sheets were washed or whether there’s a camera hidden in a vent in your room? Do your department stores have lunch counters? On Earth, Target has a food court and Wal-Mart has McDonalds, but you won’t get a blue plate special at either one, like you could at Woolworth’s. For that matter, remember Woolworth’s? We don’t either. For that matter, Wal-Mart has squashed retail customer service as we always knew it. Do you have a Wal-Mart? You probably won’t have to wait long. In whatever department stores you have, does the person who works in the men’s department at any given department store wear a suit and tie that actually look like this person is qualified to sell you clothing? It’s sketchy here, but most customer service personnel do still wear pants. Are you as ashamed of your political leaders as we are of ours? Do guys on Gliese 581 still wear hats – stylish ones, not licensed –logo hats from stadiums or sports bars? How about pants that cover their posteriors? Do they have cell phones grafted to their skin? Is women’s underwear featured on television advertising? Do your political leaders have to endure the slow torture of talking heads on television and radio? Here on Earth, we have Rush Limbaugh and Glenn Beck. Do you carry their programs? Why? Don’t normal people have opinions of their own? Do you pay $4.95 for a cup of coffee? Really? Are your teenagers simply “tuned out” or are they “tuned out” and also attention deficit and arthritic from hours of videogames? Do they engage in vandalism against strangers just ‘cause they can? Do your grandmothers have to get jobs at fast food joints alongside their grandchildren to pay for their prescription medication? Could you please ask the alien overlords to let Tom Cruise go? It’s getting sort of embarrassing. Does he make you snicker too? Do you have whole continents of people intent on slaughtering each other while your other continents worry about who won “American Idol” who should host the Olympics? Is your mental health safety net of doctors, counselors, and therapists so porous that you have young people slipping through to gun down their classmates? Do your sports enthusiasts believe they need fully-automatic assault rifles designed for strafing enemy lines just to take out a bunny rabbit? Can students on your planet find their own countries on a map? Assuming your societies are at least as old as ours, have your leaders figured out a way to resolve differences among cultures that don’t involve bombs or bullets? Does your society value education enough to pay teachers commensurate with their worth and do whatever it takes to make sure schools can at least provide adequate books, paper, and pencils? How about law enforcement, firefighters and paramedics? It’s naïve to think the good ol’ days were really all that good, but every once in a while, it would be nice to indulge the illusion. Gliese, do your columnists feel compelled to write columns like this one? Email us at carnivalofglee@mchsi.com
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THE LOST ART OF LEARNING April 1, 2007 The first shot of the Revolutionary War came during the Boston Massacre, a skirmish between British soldiers and several other men, including Crispus Attucks. A British soldier shot Crispus Attucks, making him the first casualty of the war. Out of that, America was born. America’s involvement in Vietnam ramped up with an attack on American destroyers in the Gulf of Tonkin. World War I might not have happened if territorial squabbles between the Ottoman Empire and Austria-Hungary hadn’t resulted in Archduke Ferdinand of Austria being the victim of the “shot heard ‘round the world”. The US only got into World War II after the attack on Pearl Harbor. And, of course, 9/11 brought us The War on Terror. Not a conventional war as we knew the term before that day, but arguably still a “war.” “Those who fail to remember history are doomed to repeat it” became a cliché for a reason. Seemingly singular events can have major consequences, by which we mean massive death and destruction. Repeating those events often begets the same results. So, now the Iranians are holding fifteen British soldiers they claim were improperly infiltrating their sovereign territory. As is typical in these situations, the soldiers’ countrymen are expressing outrage. And the capturing country – Iran – is denying access to the prisoners – except in a few letters spewing political invective purportedly signed by the soldiers. Dick Cheney may be the only politician left willing to advocate war with Iran, but he certainly can’t be the only one thinking about it. How scary is that? There are fundamentally two problems with war. The first is deciding whether or not something so terrible has occurred that sanctions death and destruction of countless civilians. The Gulf War was justified, arguably, because Saddam Hussein was an aggressor who invaded another territory. On the other hand, many saw it cynically as the US protecting its interest in oil access. After 9/11, Afghanistan was, reasonably enough, justified by the need to roust the Taliban and find Osama bin Laden. On the other hand, before we found him, we went off and invaded Iraq. Whole books on the pros and cons of this have been written, so I’ll spare you. So then there’s Iran. What do we know? They captured some British soldiers supposedly breaching their border. Self-protection or political ploy? Don’t know. Iran wants nukes. Got them? Probably not. Getting close? Maybe. Iran’s leader, Ahmadenijad, hates the US. But his party took a hit in local elections. Those soldiers need to be returned safely, no question. However, at the moment the western world is united and can do a great amount economically and diplomatically without firing a single shot. We’ve been here before. After 9/11, the world was behind us and we had an unprecedented opportunity for change. Then we squandered it; obliterated it really with bombs and bullets. Let’s not make the same mistake this time. Is Ahmadenijad another Archduke Ferdinand? Is this latest incident the shot heard around the world? We can only hope not. If the US so desires and can muster the resources and international support to invade, you can pretty much write the Iraqi government, fragile as it is, off the books. The two countries will devolve into one huge war with Iraqis and Iranians trading resources when they’re not killing each other. And American soldiers will be in the middle of the rapid dismantling of the fragile stability the Middle East exists under now. Then what will we do? Does Vice-President Cheney really want this? Really? No wonder he isn’t running for president. Email us at carnivalofglee@mchsi.com
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